


Lovers Say the Darndest Things

by NilesDaughter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: As in author's first attempt at writing dirty talk, Dirty Talk, F/M, Oh gods I don't know what I'm doing, nsfw-ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-06
Updated: 2018-03-06
Packaged: 2019-03-27 22:11:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13890171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NilesDaughter/pseuds/NilesDaughter
Summary: A little silliness inspired by the following Tumblr post: http://the-walking-spoiler.tumblr.com/post/153752352472/post-adventuring-percival-and-lady-vexahlia-de. Written in 2016, before the campaign had officially ended.





	Lovers Say the Darndest Things

When Percival had asked her to return to Whitestone to live with him and Cassandra, Vex’ahlia had been quick to accept. Even though her brother had given her shit about it in the beginning, she knew she didn’t want to be anywhere else. After all, she loved Percy dearly. And not only that, but there was still the satisfaction that came with every time she was introduced by the full title that Percy had gifted her in their adventuring days with Vox Machina.

However, with ruling Whitestone alongside Cassandra came the _endless_ political dinners. Said dinners were part of the reason why she found herself wishing that she could be off fighting the Chroma Conclave all over again.

The first handful of dinners, Vex would often excuse herself from the table and retire to her room early. More times than not, she found that Percy would not take long to follow suit. After all, Cassandra was the real political power in Whitestone, despite being the younger of the two De Rolo siblings.

Vex and Percy were content to find other activities to occupy the remainder of the evening. They would take walks in the garden, or Percy would go to his workshop to tinker whilst Vex sat beside him and watched on with curiosity. Occasionally, they would make their way to a bedroom and fall on the bed in a tangle of limbs and kisses.

It was on one of these nights of beautiful lovemaking that Vex’ahlia came up with The Game. It took a bit of convincing, but if there was one thing that she had learned in the time she had been with Percy, it was that he wasn’t nearly as inexperienced in bed as he came across as being. If nothing else, The Game made those political dinners a lot more interesting.

When Vex began to feel bored, she would look across the dining hall, as if she were looking for anyone she didn’t particularly like or maybe even keeping guard of their guests, before she would lean towards Percy to whisper something in his ear. To any outside viewer, it might look like she was relaying her findings to her lover.

In reality, she was whispering all sorts of suggestions and flirtations to him. Percy, after years of traveling with Grog and Scanlan, had finally mastered the art of being stone-faced when any sort of lewd topics were brought to his attention. The Game was Vex’ahlia’s way of amusing herself by trying to break Percival’s resolve. After a few dinners of Vex doing this, Percy soon got into the habit of reciprocating her suggestions, and The Game evolved into a challenge of seeing which of them broke down with embarrassment first.

Both of them were very good at maintaining their composure, however. More times than not, both of them would get through the entirety of dinner with only the slightest reactions - a raised brow here, a faint smirk there. Once, Percy had made her blush so profusely that she had been too stunned to speak through the entirety of the dessert course, but that was the only time there had been any substantial sort of reaction.

Vex was determined to change that.

It was a few weeks after Winterscrest, and she currently had her elbow on the table, cheek cupped in her hand. Her gaze lazily roamed over the guests sitting at the various tables that filled the great hall of Whitestone Castle. The servants were clearing away the platters from the second service, preparing to exchange the small meat pies with a variety of roasted fowl.

She feigned a heavy sigh, and leaned towards Percy beside her, raising her other hand to the side of her face to hide her mouth.

“You know, I’m looking forward to heading up to your room after this,” she whispered, deciding to start off with a rather tame line.

He nodded once, as if he were subtly agreeing with the observations she had supposedly shared with him. He then turned his head a little, whispering in turn, “So eager to have another go? I was certain you’d be too sore after last night.”

The frown she gave him was genuine before she shot back quietly, “You underestimate my stamina, darling.”

Percy nodded again, but his eyes twinkled with mischief behind his spectacles. Vex frowned a bit more, and leaned back in her chair, returning her attention to the dinner. The two were distracted from their Game when a representative from Emon stopped by where they were sitting to bring them news from Greyskull Keep. After he had slipped back to his seat, Percy placed a gentle hand atop Vex’s before he leaned towards her.

“I must admit that I would have preferred to stay in bed with you today. It’s been impossible thinking of little else, really.”

She angled herself towards him a little, her expression fairly blank as she replied, “And what exactly were you thinking of, darling? My naked body spread out across that big, old bed of yours?”

He smiled faintly, and lifted her hand to his lips, brushing a kiss across her knuckles. “Among other things. I was more focused on remembering how warm you were against my fingers.”

Vex laughed softly, as if Percy had flattered her with some benign compliment. Another course was cleared, the roasted meats exchanged with fish and drip pudding. Vex picked a bit at the food on her plate, and then leaned towards Percy once more.

“You know, darling, I share the sentiment. I was imagining how much I love feeling you inside me. How absolutely full you make me feel,” she said in as husky of a whisper she could manage.

“If that’s the case, then I promise to be extraordinarily slow tonight,” he replied. “I think we’ll both enjoy taking our time.”

“I’m going to hold you to that, you know.”

“I hope you do.”

Once the servants had cleared the tables once more, and were presenting the guests with sweet pastries and spiced wines, Vex decided to strike.

As Percy lifted a goblet of the spiced wine to his lips, she leaned towards him, laying a hand dangerously high up on his thigh.

“I forgot to mention that I’m not wearing any smallclothes. Perhaps we could truly scandalize our guests, and you can take me right now on the table.”

His eyes went wide, and in the next moment, Percy had spewed his wine all over the Westrunn woman sitting on his other side. She shrieked in surprise, and Percy jumped to his feet in surprise.

“I’m so sorry!” he gasped, producing a handkerchief from his jacket pocket, and attending to the woman. “My sincerest apologies!” he added as he desperately dabbed at the wine.

Vex couldn’t stop herself from snorting in laughter, but she quickly clamped her hands over her mouth to stop herself from letting out full-on laughter.

Percy was still apologizing when the woman finally left to go and change. She waved it away - “Accidents happen!” - but Percy looked positively mortified. When attention was finally diverted from their end of the table, he looked to Vex in shock.

“You can’t be serious!” he hissed.

“Oh, darling, I would never dream of it. I prefer to keep that part of our lives private, thank you very much.”

He nodded a little, still seeming a bit stunned. Then he sighed, and shook his head. “Oh, Vex’ahlia, you’ll be the death of me.”

“I’m not trying to, Percival,” she said, and placed a kiss on his cheek as a means of apology.

The way he smiled faintly told her that she was, indeed, forgiven.

After a few moments of silence, Vex leaned over to whisper once more in his ear, her tone entirely smug. “I was telling the truth about my lack of smallclothes, however.”


End file.
